Post-Summer Reflection: My Exaggerated Arrogance

Written by: Jezreel Madsa

As I mused over something—namely, the vocation that I have chosen to pursue for this life, I had had a good deal of realizations about myself. I noticed that I had been lazy for the past two years of my studies because I clung upon the endowed intelligence God had afforded to me. I had thought of myself as supremely superior above anybody else in most areas that pertain to knowledge. I looked myself loftily enthrone unto the majestic height of glory while I beheld my peers not even close to hurdle over the erudite fence of my intellectual territory.

This mountain of hubris that I set my ventures on had given me the edge to be confident. Yep, there was confidence—but confidence that was fueled up by arrogance. I relentlessly exalted myself by way of having my feet stood upon the shoulders which I pulled down in turn.

What's more, I always put myself centrally in the limelight of adulation. I wanted to be praised. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to be recognized. I was so proud of myself so much that I found it utterly ridiculous to even compare myself to others. It was like a joke for me to place myself under human-concocted categories of which I thought myself to be infinitely higher than such.

Hyperbole aside, I was haughty, proud, conceited and full-of-hot-air dude. I was a person of which all the stupid qualities are apt to be predicated. I even thought of myself as twice intellectual than all professors I had put together. I was exceptionally arrogant and boundless with respect to frankness. Wretched at its best and Hypocrite at worst.

It did not matter to me, anyhow, what others might feel about the full expletives I spewed out. I was more concerned to inflict my vengeance to people so I might appease the clamor of my ego.

Despite the great wealth of theology that I stored in my head, before your very eyes, you have witnessed my dire heart bereft of the fruit of piety that was supposed to result from my theology. I had lived as no different than a pharisee. Certainly, some of you must have dotted the fact that I was the worst person you have ever met your entire life.

Yet these gloomy portrayal of my character was the best version of my worst. I might have exaggerated the whole thing. Maybe, on the account that I wanted to be seen against the backdrop of the misrepresented image of myself. May this self-deprecating exposition of myself somehow quench the thirst of all who took offense against me.

Like anybody else, I am just a person of whose attitude is formed by the aggregate experiences in life. This eclectic personality is molded no less by the scorching hardships I faced along this bleak and sunny journey. People may not understand Jez, but I could not expect fairly well from you, we have different narratives, after all. The genre of my lifestory does not suit with the multi-lenses configuration of your own. Maybe only the route of my past would have directed you to the explanation as to why I had become of this sort.

Yet amidst the multifarious levels of depravity this man is intimated with, there is one person that could truly understand him in the most profound sense of sympathy. That person is Jesus. Only Christ has seen the affliction and challenges I went to; only Christ has seen the ebbs and flows of my vigor; and only Christ has seen the vanquish of sin that trumps my nature; and only Christ has seen the brokenness of my heart and mends it.

If there is one good thing that shimmers through this melancholic shade of personality, it wasn't intrinsically done, it was wrought out by Him who changes and transforms this flawed man. He makes a better Jezkoy as time forges ahead.

Imperfectly Yours,
Jezkoy!